Things all wrong
This week seem to be a very rough week for me. So many things seems to be going wrong. Its like a freaking domino effect. Started off the week with the knowledge that I have the highest number of failures for both Maths and English which is very demoralising for me. I do not know why but somehow I cant seem to really connect with my class this year and I think becoz of this I have not been able to be very effective in my teaching, resulting in the crappy results. Sigh!
As usual when I am stressed out at work, I cant seem to maintain peace in other aspects of my life. I seem to have the incapability of compartmentalising my feelings. USED to be able to...damn where did that freaking skill go. Just recently, I conveniently ignored a sarcastic and angry sms from a close friend coz I had no desire in engaging in a discussion on why the hell I have not been accepting her invitations to hang out. Usually, on days when I am normal and sane, I'll make the effort to explain ... that day I was juz very tired. My brain was tired, my mouth was tired, my body was tired. All I wanted to do is to lay down and close my eyes and not think. Which by the way is something I dun really get a chance to do much coz my mind is always racing, always thinking about the things I have not done or have yet to complete. Its just so god damn tiring! However that is somehow resolved. Met up with my friend but I wasnt really myself so I guess the tension is still there....a bit.
Had a cold war with Keith today. I admit I am the one who started it with my laziness to respond and communicate. The thing about my boyfriend, he is very easily distracted and it takes a lot to capture his attention. Hahahha sounds like I am talking about my students in class huh? Well I dun call him my 7 yr old for nothing you know. I know this right from the begining and so sometimes I understand why its hard for him to relate to some aspects of my life which I know (and not offended by) that he finds very mundane and boring. I am fine with that but sometimes, I just wish that he would just listen to me, listen to me lament my worries or listen to me whine when things dun go my way. I dun need him to solve the issues for me. I just need him to listen and I'll be happy! Once in a while, I would love to hear what he thinks, his opinions his suggestions. I am thrilled knowing that someone out there bothers or even cared enough to give some thought to my woos and try to relate to me! Keith tries, I can tell he tries though sometimes I cant tell he dun really understand why I am reacting a certain way towards certain things. He listen yes but him being him usually tries to solve the matter for me. In the process of trying to get me to adopt his solution or try to get me to see his point of view, he will get frustrated and as a result after I whine and lament, I usually end up feeling a tad annoyed, sad or even angry coz in my head...he simply dun understand and in his head, he thinks that I am simply exaggerating and thinking too much.
Today, we ended our time together badly. Gosh how I wish these things dun happen. It just makes things so gloom and cold. I got tired of trying to get him to listen. I said a few things and he simply never entertained me. He ignored me at first and then when I tried to push to talk abt the topic, he tries to chg topic or does something distracting. On normal days I would have entertained his chg of topics coz I find it annoyingly adorable when he tries to get out of some boring conversation but today I just felt insignificant. It felt like I didnt matter. I lost all desire to talk and just focus on the road and when I started focusing too much, I start to notice every single annoying drivers, every single annoying cyclists and every single annoying pedestrians which made my mood even more sour. When I get annoyed while driving, I start cursing...LITERALLY!
I think Keith thinks I am annoyed by the fact that we had to run this errand that we were running. Which was definately not it. I wasnt annoyed about that, in fact I wasnt even annoyed by him, I was just sad that he didnt take me seriously. I was simply annoyed by anything and everything that was STOPPING me from getting to that damn building which we needed to get to. It was so frustrating! I KNOW its there but I just cant seem to bloody get there and when I made the wrong turn AGAIN! I was just so freaking ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! In the end we didnt go coz Keith didnt want to go anymore despite me insisting that we go. But he said something that was a tad disappointing to me and I just gave up. You see, I've never been the kind of girlfriend who demands. In fact I think I never really demand. I ask...yes...but I simply dun demand. If what I asked for is not fulfiled, I'll just make do. I'll just find other ways and means to get what I want with as little impeachment on the other party as possible. Hence for him to say something that implies that I am somewhat demanding or bossy...it just hurts..... and to top it all off....on the way home, after passing through like 3-4 ERP gantry, I realise that the damn IU have not been detecting my freaking cashcard...which means if the LTA fines me ...I will have to fork up $33. ARGH!!!!
As usual when I am stressed out at work, I cant seem to maintain peace in other aspects of my life. I seem to have the incapability of compartmentalising my feelings. USED to be able to...damn where did that freaking skill go. Just recently, I conveniently ignored a sarcastic and angry sms from a close friend coz I had no desire in engaging in a discussion on why the hell I have not been accepting her invitations to hang out. Usually, on days when I am normal and sane, I'll make the effort to explain ... that day I was juz very tired. My brain was tired, my mouth was tired, my body was tired. All I wanted to do is to lay down and close my eyes and not think. Which by the way is something I dun really get a chance to do much coz my mind is always racing, always thinking about the things I have not done or have yet to complete. Its just so god damn tiring! However that is somehow resolved. Met up with my friend but I wasnt really myself so I guess the tension is still there....a bit.
Had a cold war with Keith today. I admit I am the one who started it with my laziness to respond and communicate. The thing about my boyfriend, he is very easily distracted and it takes a lot to capture his attention. Hahahha sounds like I am talking about my students in class huh? Well I dun call him my 7 yr old for nothing you know. I know this right from the begining and so sometimes I understand why its hard for him to relate to some aspects of my life which I know (and not offended by) that he finds very mundane and boring. I am fine with that but sometimes, I just wish that he would just listen to me, listen to me lament my worries or listen to me whine when things dun go my way. I dun need him to solve the issues for me. I just need him to listen and I'll be happy! Once in a while, I would love to hear what he thinks, his opinions his suggestions. I am thrilled knowing that someone out there bothers or even cared enough to give some thought to my woos and try to relate to me! Keith tries, I can tell he tries though sometimes I cant tell he dun really understand why I am reacting a certain way towards certain things. He listen yes but him being him usually tries to solve the matter for me. In the process of trying to get me to adopt his solution or try to get me to see his point of view, he will get frustrated and as a result after I whine and lament, I usually end up feeling a tad annoyed, sad or even angry coz in my head...he simply dun understand and in his head, he thinks that I am simply exaggerating and thinking too much.
Today, we ended our time together badly. Gosh how I wish these things dun happen. It just makes things so gloom and cold. I got tired of trying to get him to listen. I said a few things and he simply never entertained me. He ignored me at first and then when I tried to push to talk abt the topic, he tries to chg topic or does something distracting. On normal days I would have entertained his chg of topics coz I find it annoyingly adorable when he tries to get out of some boring conversation but today I just felt insignificant. It felt like I didnt matter. I lost all desire to talk and just focus on the road and when I started focusing too much, I start to notice every single annoying drivers, every single annoying cyclists and every single annoying pedestrians which made my mood even more sour. When I get annoyed while driving, I start cursing...LITERALLY!
I think Keith thinks I am annoyed by the fact that we had to run this errand that we were running. Which was definately not it. I wasnt annoyed about that, in fact I wasnt even annoyed by him, I was just sad that he didnt take me seriously. I was simply annoyed by anything and everything that was STOPPING me from getting to that damn building which we needed to get to. It was so frustrating! I KNOW its there but I just cant seem to bloody get there and when I made the wrong turn AGAIN! I was just so freaking ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! In the end we didnt go coz Keith didnt want to go anymore despite me insisting that we go. But he said something that was a tad disappointing to me and I just gave up. You see, I've never been the kind of girlfriend who demands. In fact I think I never really demand. I ask...yes...but I simply dun demand. If what I asked for is not fulfiled, I'll just make do. I'll just find other ways and means to get what I want with as little impeachment on the other party as possible. Hence for him to say something that implies that I am somewhat demanding or bossy...it just hurts..... and to top it all off....on the way home, after passing through like 3-4 ERP gantry, I realise that the damn IU have not been detecting my freaking cashcard...which means if the LTA fines me ...I will have to fork up $33. ARGH!!!!
I really wanted so bad to talk to Keith yesterday. If I have to apologise I will. But he was so cold. Colder than the last and I cud not bear the thought having to look at his face hoping to see sign that he wants to make things right. It was bad enuf I felt the cold, I dun need to see it in his eyes as well. So I walked away too....
posted by Jujubie at 10:55 AM
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